Beloved Child

I was born from the womb of a young mother
And raised far away, in the arms of another
Always wondering where I fit in
Was I unloved? Unwanted? An Unforgivable Sin?
“We love you,” they said. “And She loved you, too.”
Then why was leaving me so easy to do?

My childhood was full of love, laughter, and activities
My parents made sure that I had opportunities.
But still, in my heart, that little voice cried
“This could all go away in the blink of an eye.
You’ve been left before, it can happen again.”
I knew it was a lie, but it still sunk deep in.

“Come find us,” she wrote, in a letter received
When I reached adulthood, too late, indeed
To fully heal the scars planted deep in my heart
That had built up after decades of being apart.
That letter I burned with a glassy-eyed fury
My hatred for where I had come from, unburied.

Who gives up a child? Who just walks away?
How could that not torture them every day?
I wept and I prayed that my heart would soon heal,
That maybe in the future, the truth would reveal
That I was in fact loved, not abandoned or alone
That perhaps in their hearts, I always had a home.

I turned 21, 25, and still on,
Nearly 3 decades had now come and gone
Since I was last in the arms of my family by blood
I decided to find them, it was my right, and I should
Know where I come from, no matter the cost.
So I took all the tests—I’d no longer be lost.

Nearly two years went by, then finally, a clue!
I found my Great Uncle, and he knew what to do.
That night my grandma and I spoke for the first time
And I could feel my heart healing, one word at a time.
She called me Beloved, as she wrote in her letter—
I couldn’t bear to tell her I had destroyed it forever.

We spoke of my mother, her trials, triumphs, and things
We spoke of my brother, and that made my heart sing
We spoke of my father, whoever he may be,
Because see, there was a bit of discrepancy in my tree
But I didn’t care! I had finally found them!
These people I came from, I had to know about them, and

Just when I thought things were going just fine
My mother decided, “it’s the end of the line.”
Without speaking to me, or once reaching out,
She decided our relationship is one she can live without
Which leaves me broken, begging for more,
Desperate for any scraps she’ll toss to the floor.

My grandma and I now no longer speak, and I grieve
For the time and the talks we once had, though brief
And that piece of my heart that only a mother can fill
Still sits empty and broken, and it simply can’t heal
Because the mother who grew me, then gave me away
Has decided that that’s the way things should stay.

I feel cheated and angry, I feel lost and confused.
I feel hopeless and heartbroken, and a little bit used.
I just want to know her, is that so much to ask?
I want a connection to this part of my past
But she doesn’t want it, so of course I’ll respect it
Even if it destroys me, if she’s happy, then I accept it.

To hear her voice even once would rock my whole world
In the very best of ways; I’m not a complicated girl
I just want to know who I come from, and then
If she chose not to ever contact me again
At least I’d have memories of the one time she did.
It would fulfill every birthday wish I made as a kid.

Dear birth mom, I love you, and I don’t mean that lightly.
I used to pray I would find you,; I’d cry for you nightly
As I lay in bed, in a home with a family who loved me
I couldn’t stop thinking about your sacrifice, and life without me.
Without knowing you, you still shaped who I am as a person
It took a long time, but I’m proud of this version

Of who I am, and I have you to thank for that.
I seem to have inherited a lot from you, that’s a fact.
Maybe someday you’ll read this. Maybe you won’t.
But I know it would kill me inside if I don’t
Own up to these feelings, and get them all out of my head.
So I’m writing them here, to be read and re-read.

I miss you so fiercely, it’s an ache I can’t name
To be parted from blood, to know we are the same
In so many ways, but we may never quite see
All that I’ve gotten from you, all that you’ve left for me.
Again, I do love you, and in my way, I always did.
I may be a grownup now, but I’ll always be your kid.

 

3 thoughts on “Beloved Child

  1. Grandpas says:

    Can’t wait for chapter two, the other side of your roots and the total acceptance. The ones who also feel those things of hurt and pain from never knowing you were and being a part of your growing up.
    Always know we all love you and are so looking forward to being a part of your life from here forward.

    Like

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